A while ago, in this post, I spoke about the possibility of no longer blogging.
I’ve made my decision, and, ironically, it actually has nothing to do with the concerns I had (who do I blog for, why do I blog, what do i blog about, etc).
I’ve realized that everything I’ve been feeling stems from the fact that I’m no longer happy, with myself and in myself. To be entirely honest, I’m that kind of guy that struggles to be happy, and if something makes me happy I cling to it. The blogging made me happy – I was reading awesome books, getting to know other bloggers, building a relationship with publishers, becoming part of a wonderful community- but when I wasn’t blogging or reading or even writing then I wasn’t happy. The world was easier to deal with when I was doing all these things, you know? I understood these things.
Well, when started struggling with the blog I should have realized then that it was indication of other, more important problems.
I’ve realized that I’m lost, and that I’m *only* happy when I’m doing something that has to do with books, but my problems have now grown to such a degree that they’re impacting what I love doing. Basically, me being unhappy caused me to reach out to easier aspects of life that would had always made me happy and I expected to stay happy and content with life if I did things that made me happy. But life doesn’t work that way, I’ve realized.
Because if being happy means that you have to pay a price somewhere else, then something has to change.
And I’ve decided that if I’m *ever* going to happy, or have a chance of being really, truly happy one day, then I have to make some drastic changes. As things stand now, me blogging and reading and writing as much as I do has damaged my personal relationships. I just haven’t been paying attention to my life and now it’s a mess, even financially.
I don’t want to stop blogging – in fact, I actually realized what I had to do to make blogging fun again, but I won’t have a choice. I need to become financially stable, and that means cutting costs wherever I can. That means:
no more internet: I can go and get my license with that extra money so that I can get a job that pays more.
no more books / comics / hobbies: These things also cost money, and they’re part of the problem. Once I get my life sorted, though, sure, I’ll go back to them, but at the moment I just can’t afford them.
I need to reach more balance financially because I also need to find a new place to stay – things will be much more expensive and I won’t be able to afford internet access at all.
I need to make these drastic changes because they’ve been building and building to such an extent that I’m literally lost and I don’t know where to turn. I can’t afford anything because I spend all my money on things I don’t actually need, and consequently I can’t even pay off my debts, and so I’ve also decided that have to go for debt-counseling. It’s that hectic.
The last thing I wanted to do is unload all this personal shit on everyone, but lately people expect actual explanations and not just announcements; and besides, everyone that’s taken the time to read my reviews and comment on what I post deserves that honesty from me. For the first time I’m actually being honest with myself, and if it’s something you don’t understand that that’s fine and not a problem. But I have to deal with all of this because it’s ended up becoming that beast that you hope will go away if you don’t pay it any attention.
I realize that I’ve agreed to reviewing many, many books that I haven’t gotten around to yet, and all I can say is that I’m sorry. I truly am. I will be reading those books but instead of a review those authors will get emails from me; that, at least, I can manage and can afford. But since I can’t promise reviews (or, can’t promise those reviews until I’ve at least dealt with this mess I’ve made of my life) I will happily post back any of the books I’ve received from authors. It’s the least I can do, since all of you have spent money to get the books to me, and since my personal problems are not your problems. If you do want me to post the books back to you, please send me an email and we can get that arranged.
The many, many books I have will have to go, too – I’m pretty much absolutely sure that whatever new place I find to live in, it won’t be big enough for all the books. So I’ll be inviting some friends over to pick books for themselves and will donate what remains to my local library. It breaks my heart to have to give the books away, but I don’t have any other choice since there just won’t be any room for them wherever I’ll be staying.
Anyway, I’ll keep this blog up, so people can still check out the reviews and interviews and such, but there won’t be any new content from April onwards. I will come back to the blog some day, in fact I really hope to, since I love it and am very proud of it, but the fact of the matter is that the blog can’t pay my debt or buy groceries or get me my driving license. It’s that simple.
I’m really sorry guys, girls, but I truly have to do this. I’ll be back, hopefully soon, but until then, this is me saying thank you for the almost 3 years of support and for making this SA SFF fan feel so welcome in this awesome community; I’ll be back, someday, to reclaim the blog and get it going again, I promise. But right now, distancing myself from it and many other things in my life is the only way to find that balance again.
I thought I’d let you listen to this song – perhaps it’ll help you to understand what I’m going through and what I need to do. Anyway, here it is:
As always, don’t ever stop BEING EPIC. You guys and girls all rock!